A DumbAss’ Guide to Surivival

McDONALDS

· A place where people eat a lot, get fat, and then sue to get money;

· Shit served in plastic containers.

· A new innovation in disposal that gets rid of toxic waste by packaging it as food and selling it to people who don’t know any better.

· An expression of United States cultural imperialism/cultural pollution (as seen from outside the United States). A symbol of increasing global cultural homogenization.

· When using the bathroom in McDonalds, be sure to flush twice. It’s a long way to the kitchen.

· The shittiest “restaurant” in the world, where they inject fat into dog shit, and serve it in hamburger buns on a plastic tray.

· a place where they siphon the toilets directly to the… uhh… “chocolate milkshakes”

BIG MAC – the burger of dreams. OR heart attacks, whichever comes first.

RONALD McDONALD

· McDonalds mascot. A clown that likes you to sit on his lap while he gets an erection.

· A red-haired, whole-nosed, yellow jailsuit-wearing version of Michael Jackson.

· The real reason for the fall of the Soviet Union.

· The look you achieve after performing oral sex on a woman while on her period.

· Ronald is a mutant pedophile clown and an overall genetic fuck-up with his red puffy hair and his hideous facial features resembling a grown-up harlequin fetus. Was last seen singing with two naked children having their bath, who sang in turn “We Do Ron-Ron-Ron, We Do Ron-Ron”.

HAPPY MEAL

• · This refers to receiving oral sex from a female. When a male fits his penis and testicles in a females mouth at the same time.

· Receiving a hand job under the table in a fast food restaurant, while using ketchup as a lubricant. Mustard is also an acceptable variance.

· A barely legal good-looking mongoloid you consider dating out of desperation or for temporary pleasure.

Drunk –  when you have to hold on the grass to keep yourself from falling off the earth.

– chemically inconvenienced

–   a sublime way of living with idiots

–  a state of being that one can only hope to constantly attain

–  Normal operating condition. Several stages before being as pissed as a mattress.Still capable of most motor functions. Beer GPS not yet disabled. Low probability of self inflicted damage. Unlikely to become MPP. High possibility of continuing to {multiple} skanky bars in hi-jacked taxis. Waking routine normal.
–   someone that funneled 16 beers and an unknown amount of tequilla and then stands up and falls face first into the floor…then gets humped by “unknown”

BOOZE  — what you drink when you are sad, a loser, bored, drunk, upset, mad at the world, or just feel like making the world go round.

–  what makes the world go literally ’round’

BEER  — the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I pass out at night

•  Its the fifth element after water, fire, earth and wind… Nothing exists without it!
• A magic potion used to make people of the opposite look better
• what men need to function daily
• a substance imbibed by males which, in time improves the appearance of ugly women and should be purchased more than makeup cuz it does a whole hell of a lot more for ya if yer really ugly than any makeup ever will
• What Jesus made when the wine ran out.
• Something 99.9% of college kids use to have fun because their personalities aren’t appealing enough to have fun with.

shitfaced - Someone who has had a little to much to drink, or is going to drink till they are fucked up

•  not being able to feel the difference between shit, and your face.
• when you get so f*cked up that you shit on the ground and pass out in it, then you wake up and its on your face.

KFC – a place where mainly black people go, but the kfc man is white. is that a oxymoron?

• Besides being the initials for the fast food chain, it also stands for “Killed, F**ked, and Cooked.”
• Chicken fried in Kentucky including 11 secret herbs and spices: Heroin, Cocaine, Crack, Marijuana, rat poison, tar, tobacco, nicotine, alcohol, grease, and salt.
•  Kung Fu Chicken = some guy who likes to talk about how great his martial art is, and how much better it is than any other martial art. But, when you offer to engage him in some friendly full-contact sparring, even with rules and gear and a neutral referee, he totally chickens out.
• Another shitty subsidiary of Pepsi, where the overpriced food is oversalted so we buy their overpriced drinks, and where wages are probably very low so the greedy CEOs can get more. On Thursdays, you can pay $2 for a crappy tiny little chicken sandwich with mayonnaise and a bit of lettuce that would be half the price at McDonald’s. Popeye’s is even more expensive than KFC, but the food is much better. KFC stands for “Kan’t Fucking Cook”.

Fart  – 1) Air coming out of your butthole sometimes accompanied with feces when you have the flu.
2) An excellent yet extremely funny way to get rid of a blind date or just a person you don’t know or like in that matter.
3) A good reason to make fun of someone.

• shitting oxygen and methane vapors
• a fart is more than just a sound. it is more than just a horrifying smell. a fart is a much more deeper emotion. it is one that touches the heart, comes straight from the stomach and reaches deep into ones soul. it takes the path from one person’s ass hole and leads itself into another’s nose. it touches the five senses like michael jackson touches little boys. farts are a wonderous thing especially when done in public places to offend people in restaurants, schools, banks etc. farts bring people closer together. the make music and can create a dance. so fart. fart in a car when the windows are up, fart in your friends face and fart in front of your mom.