IMPULSIVE

Impulsive.

Minutes ago, I did something out of impulse. 

 When I called up Carhrihl and Josef today, Carhrihl was crying.  She said that she missed me. She also mentioned something about Bernard being the in the hospital. I felt bad. Hearing Carhrihl crying about her dad is something that could be unbearable.

 
According to my mother-in-law, Bernard (technically still my husband) is in the hospital under medication for pneumonia.   I’m not a bit worried because my mother-in-law didn’t sound like Bernard was in a serious condition.

 Probably I’m just a playful or maybe out of love for the kids, I decided to call Bernard.

Without hesitation, I called him up at the hospital and asked him how he was doing. He sounded surprised and yes, a bit cautious talking to me on the phone. And of course I understood why. The other girlfriend (someone from an influential Chinese family in Bohol) was there with him. This girl was the one taking care of him while he’s in the hospital. I admit it must have been really awkward talking to me at that very moment. After years of ignoring each other, it would seem awkward for Bernard to be talking to me again with his girlfriend around. 

Well, the good thing is, I didn’t personally visit him at the hospital. What a chaotic idea! Honestly, I don’t think I’d be uncomfortable being in the same room with Bernard and his girlfriends. But I’d be laughing like hell when I’m out of the room for sure.  

 It’s just that I’m tired and so over with the angst, bitterness, and anger that were built up over the lies, infidelity, violence, abuse, and pettiness of our relationship.

I got tired of being angry at the world. I got tired of hating everything about our relationship. I got tired from all the pessimism the whole marriage brought about to our families, our selves, and yes, to our kids.

So what I did was out of impulse but I don’t regret ever calling him today asking how he was.

I did for my kids. I did it for myself.

 

~ by 32flavors on February 19, 2008.