I Am Not Weak

   It’s not that I am weak. I know I’m not.   

   I am stronger beyond my years. Although I may not understand the complexities of my-so-called-life, I still chose to be here. I am stuck in a moment wherein I have no right to complain or even think that I can’t move on.       

   I am not living this life for myself anymore. I am living my life for those people who believe and trust in me – my family, my friends, and my three kids.      

   I only have one option in this battle – to fight and move on.        

  Ha! This may be a bloody war but at least, at the end of all this shit, I could proudly say I gave it my best shot. But I really don’t think I could afford to lose this time. This war is mine for the taking. I deserve to win.       

  For three years I have tried to live a happy and worry-free life.  For three years, I’ve tried to forget everything painful from that traumatic relationship. Three years.    

     And now he’s back. This time different – more bitter, vengeful, berserk, and more irrational than ever.  What does he want from me?  I could go on living my life as if I’ve never met him. I could go on living my life as if he never existed. Why can’t he do the same thing?      

   Why take away my kids when he can’t even take care of himself?! I may have had my rough times supporting myself, but I’m quite sure I’m not as irresponsible as he is. I did try to make ends meet. God knows how hard I’ve tried.     

     He’s got other kids from other women. He’s got a new pet in tow. So why can’t he just start a new life with those women, or with that pet he is seeing right now?!  

       And he gets violent even with the kids around. He throws and breaks things, bawls at anyone who stands in his way.    

      Yeah, I know someone who thinks he is just a bit misunderstood. She thinks he’s just a little temperamental. Wait until you see the real him, girl. And tell me about it again.    

     I’m so tired of him and his insane antics. I can’t even shed a tear. I’m not even mad at him. I actually pity him. For someone smart like him, it’s such a shame to end up being what he is right now –wasted and drowned in unnecessary hate and anguish.        

Although I tend to whine a lot, or sometimes my temper gets out of hand, I am rational enough not to hurt other people. I am still lucky that my parents or my friends don’t wish me dead. It’s such a pity when you start to lose what you only have for support.     

     He pushes people away from him. And these people are all he has for support. These people are what’s left of him but he pushes them away. At the end of it all, he might soon realize it’s like suicide. He’s been killing himself slowly by shutting off his life support.    

     I would have wanted the kids to see that we could still be nice and civil with each other. I would have swallowed my pride and be “friends” with him for the kids’ sakes. But I guess being nice to him is not a good idea. I have this weird feeling that he could kill anyone anytime. And I would kill anyone who would dare hurt me or those people I love.      

    I have so much respect and love for my in-laws, especially for his mom. My relationship with his family is the exact opposite of my relationship with him. And I have to be strong and brave right now – I owe that to my mother-in-law. The least that I can do to repay her for all the sacrifices she has done for me and my kids is to face the challenge of the world and move on – even if it means I have to crawl.      

   It’s not that I am weak. I know I’m not. I just need time to deliberate and let all the pain sink-in.  Soon I’ll bounce back but this time stronger and wiser.                

~ by 32flavors on July 19, 2007.