Hilarious News Headlines and Funny Classified Ads

     Boredom brings out hilarious posts like this.  After six hours of working in the office, I was dead bored.  I decided to surf the internet for some weird headlines.  Luckily I got a few funny and weird headlines and “innocent English” classified Ads.

 Hope you enjoy!

 

Funny and Weird News Headlines:

 

• Farmer Claims Teens’ Antics Ruined Ostrich’s Libido
• High School Suspends Girls For Saying Vagina
• Baker Hasn’t Missed A Day in 56 Years
• Skinny Inmate Escapes Through Food Slot
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in CheckOut Counter
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
• Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
• Milk drinkers are turning to powder
• Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
• Child’s stool great for use in garden
• Organ festival ends in smashing climax
• Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years

 

 

 

Hilarious Classified Ads

 

• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~ by 32flavors on March 7, 2007.