I MISS XAM

I miss Xam.

I miss her terrribly. January 1st was the day I last saw and held Xam.  I just miss her so much.  I wish things were just a bit better than how they are right now so I can see and hold Xamantha everyday. 

She’ll be officially one-year old next month.  I can’t wait.  She’s been walking since she was just nine months.  No kidding.  She walked early. Although most of her words right now are still incoherent, I bet that a few months from now she’ll be as talkative as her big sister, Carhrihl.

I just can’t go home whenever I want to.  It’s not that easy.  Things are just a bit tough for me and stress is killing my body.  Basta.  NOt that easy to explain.  I honestly don’t want to think and discuss it to anyone yet. 

Today, somebody asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  I replied saying that I want a lot of things for my birthday but it’s just so pathetic that I can’t have everything I want for my birthday. 

 I just want something very simple.  But if you try to think about it, the  simple things are those things which are quite impossible to achieve.  Yeah, I get it now.  (That explains it…tsk.)  It’s something that not even all the money in the world can buy. So  how  can something not even money can buy be so achievable? Tsk. Am I even making sense here?

How many times have I caught myself staring at other people, secretly wishing I was like them.  Wishing things in my life were just as fabulous as theirs. But then again, I have just to close my eyes and move on as non-chalantly as possible.  We just have to play the hand that we were given.

But it’s killing me. It’s killing me.  And god knows I wanna breakdown and cry. Cry until everything’s gonna be ok.  But when the only thing and person available to give you comfort are your pillows and your lonesome self  the idea of  crying and expressing everything you feel inside is not so enticing.  I’m tired, that’s all.

 Can’t wait to sleep. 

Hmmm. Sometimes not even sleep sounds so comforting.  Sometimes sleep takes you somewhere with people and places you’ve sweared (to both heaven and hell) to forget and avoid in the coming lifetimes. 

Sometimes it’s better not to sleep at all.    

~ by 32flavors on January 17, 2007.